To be a Father
Today is a day that always gives me pause; when I think about the Fathers I have had in my life and what makes a Father. My “Birth” father is unknown to me like about 10% of the population. I found that number through multiple sources and I would have thought it would be higher but apparently 1 in 10 of my fellow humans don’t know their father. So I am definitely not alone. If I have done the math correctly there are about 16,000,000 other men/boys out there living with the unknown in the US alone. Not knowing who their father is and sometimes worrying that not having a father makes it that much harder for them to be a good father.
That is not to say that everyone that has a father is blessed with a perfect father or even a father that is present. It is only to say that not knowing plays a part in my life just as knowing plays a part in other’s lives. Also, I would like to point out that I don’t think not knowing your father is any easier for women. Having a strong male figure in one’s life definitely changes perceptions of the world and core beliefs. And having a father who sees you as their little princess through thick and thin is probably a great bonus. Just my opinion from experiences and what I have seen in my time on Earth so far.
Back to the topic at hand, Fathers or lack thereof. I was extremely lucky in that my Grandparents took me in as a baby and so I did have a male figure in my life early on. I often feel as though it were just me and my Grandmother but my Grandfather was there and he had an effect on my childhood. When he passed we were all outside on the swingset and I remember thinking I never really got to know him well. I still feel that way. He was like a mystery to me. I knew he smoked cigars nonstop and loved Charlie’s Angels. He cussed and he could be mean at times. But mostly he seemed a man that had seen as much as he cared to and was ready for whatever was to come. I was just a kid so what do I know but that was the feeling I got when we spent time together. The doctor said, “No more cigars!” But he would not stop and he would get furious if you tried to stop him. I miss him and wish I would have gotten to know him better.
At that point another man stepped in, my Godfather. He shaped much of my belief system but he was far from perfect. All of us are fallible with each our own perspective on life. Leaving his family young because of an abusive father and never truly settling down, probably did not make him what most would think of as an ideal role model. But he had such LOVE in his heart. He had empathy for all and I truly believe that he enjoyed seeing other people succeed. Many men are taught that success and winning are all that matters. Just take a look around and you will see how much of what men enjoy is based in competition and being the best of the best. The ability to enjoy others’ successes is not a trait to be discounted. And he made me feel like my successes were extraordinary no matter how small. Like I was capable of conquering the world and bringing everyone with me. It was hard when my Grandmother passed and they told me I could not stay with him.
I was eight years old and though I knew she had passed I did not realize how much it was going to change my life. I also thought about how my Godfather felt since he had also lost someone he loved. I thought, “Well, we will get through it together.” And then, Poof. Everything I had known in my life at that point was gone.
It had been years since my cousins lived with us and it seemed every visit I was injured or experienced a traumatic event. When they told me I would be going to live with them after the funeral it just did not register what that would mean. So we laid my Grandmother to rest and left the only man I had truly known and Loved, as a father, far away where he was no longer a part of my life. I felt broken. I felt alone. I felt like I was being punished for feeling as though I could have everything I ever wanted. A Family that loved each other.
So I did not want to participate in life very much. I thought I would just eke out an existence and do the bare minimum. Alas, it was not to be, my life did not get easier and I was not allowed to do the bare minimum. It was not all bad and it was this move that brings us to my Uncle. He is a man that likes to deflect emotion and likes to use sports as a cover for the fact that he truly does care about the world. These days he seems to be more obsessed with making Christians question their faith. To each his own. He was jolly on occasions and harsh on others. Maybe if his mother had shown him more affection or maybe if his father had not been so critical. Again I am just an outside observer, I do not pretend to know what makes up the core of others beliefs and ideals, only to show how I was shaped by those. He could be very crude at times and I found much of what he said at the time to be offensive and crass. He was also lovable and, at times, fatherly. The latter less so than the former but he is not a stone wall. Never did/has he make me feel like I could accomplish anything though. Not his fault just not who he was as a father. He often made me feel inferior and sometimes stupid. I admit I was very naive and willing to believe much of what I was told. It took me time to move past losing my Grandmother and Godfather but when I did I wanted nothing more than to try to assimilate into the family that had adopted me. Unfortunately I never felt like I fit in with them. I was definitely exposed to abuse like I had not known in the past. Whereas before I had my Godfather to bring me back up when I was down; show me that the world was what we make of it. Now I felt like everything I did was wrong. No one seemed to care that I felt down or that I felt like I did not belong. No one was there telling me that I could do anything I wanted.
My Uncle was there though, doing what he felt was right and giving me some life lessons that I will never forget. Whether they were good or bad lessons is all about what I took from them, not necessarily what he was trying to convey. Like lesson number one: “Never get married.” He stated this multiple times a day, sometimes as a joke and sometimes as a curse. But I don’t believe he meant, “NEVER get married.” Rather I think it was his subtle way of saying that marriage is hard. Marriage is a partnership that takes lots of work and dedication. Marriage should not be taken lightly. Be Ready, is what I think he really meant, deep down, but outside he was adamant that marriage led to demise. So much of what I learned from him were read-between-the-lines lessons. Maybe I saw what I wanted and maybe he really is just cynical and angry. It does not change that what I learned from him helped to shape the man I am today. And I hope that the lessons I learned have made me a better man regardless of their presentation.
My Boss was also a big part of my life and shaped what I saw as a good family life. At 13 and again at 15 I moved back to live with my Godfather. It was not as easy to jump back in after so much time had passed and he never seemed to know what to do with a teen son. He kept a roof over my head and tried to teach me but at some point he transferred some of the responsibility over to my Boss. They were friends and Boss said he would let me work with him doing construction so that I could have money to pay bills and such. He had a wife, daughters and granddaughters and seemed to always be working to try to make sure they had everything they needed. He was rough on me but only to the point that he was trying to get me to understand that the world is not an easy place. I let my ego push him away thinking that I did not need his advice or his help. Ego, it ruined my relationship with him and he was there for me when I needed help. Without him I would have been lost with no real direction. Maybe he knows how much he affected me, maybe he doesn’t. I never told him just how much he meant and when I burned the bridge down behind me he said, “Are you sure you want to do this? You’re going to regret it one day.” I was 16 or 17 and as they were apt to tell me frequently, “Young, dumb and full of c**.” I hope life has been full for him and that he has always found shade and water when needed. He helped shape my foundation for hard work with the idea that it could lead to family and a good life.
Circling back around. Thanks to the adoption I was also given another male figure to admire and copy. My adopted Grandfather, My Uncle’s Father. He was a mathematician/statistics major that had a life that seemed to span eons. He spent time in the Navy, as computer engineer, a civilian statistician for the government, an owner of a drycleaning business just down from Capitol Hill and much more that I don’t even know or remember. He made me feel like hard work and dedication would take me wherever I wanted. He corrected me when I was wrong and rarely ever made me feel like being incorrect was a fault. He had a dry humor and was warm in character but also had a stiffness about him as well. He enjoyed my meticulous nature and it made me feel good about myself that someone appreciated me. Much of what I learned from him was about perseverance regardless of the odds and to appreciate the gifts and abilities I possess.
I could go on and of course this is just a scratch on the surface. There have been other guides in my life but these men all impacted my life profoundly, provided wisdom and maybe even Love in one form or another.
Who can tell what my kids will write of me when they look back one day? Hopefully they know that one of the greatest things about being a Father for me is getting to meet them!
So what is a Father:
A Father is more than just the man that shares our DNA.
A Father makes mistakes and gives us the opportunity to learn from them.
A Father guides our lives and helps shape us into the adults we become.
A Father can be stern and unkind and sometimes seem cold and distant.
A Father cheers us on and sometimes holds us back.
A Father picks us up and cleans us off when we are down.
A Father is not always the man we call Father but can still make us feel as though we are their child.
A Father spends much of their time knowing they will have to let their kids live their lives as they wish one day, while simultaneously never wanting to let them go.
A Father is an amazingly beautiful and utterly frightening thing to be! And it is wonderful!
